This story has been thoroughly vetted and I have every confidence it is true.
I challenge Sovereign Grace Ministries and C.J. Mahaney to repent and help restore this family to spiritual health.
Here is Wallace’s Story:
“All sorrows could be born if we tell a story about them or write them down”
Isak Dinesen
To blog critics and all others who assert that bringing these issues to the light somehow undermines or weakens the cause of Christ, we would say the behavior of some in the leadership of Sovereign Grace Ministries does far more damage to victims of abuse and to a watching world.
We share our story with the hope that those with similar experiences will be encouraged to write their own and bring it to the light.
My wife posted numerous times on the Survivor blog under the name “Happymom.”
We left the SGM Fairfax church in May 2007 because of the overbearing emphasis on personal sin and the cross.
During 12 years as members of the Fairfax church, two of our children were sexually molested by two different people who attended the church. The molestations did not occur on church property. We had completely forgiven the perpetrators. However, the subsequent mental and spiritual anguish we endured both times in dealing with members of the Fairfax staff motivate us to write and “tell it to the church.”
Here is a brief description of how Fairfax has in the past typically handled sex abuse issues in their church. This depiction can be affirmed by numerous former members who have had similar experiences. The perpetrator of a sex crime and his family were brought under the care of a pastor. This would involve counseling, accountability sessions and possible minor restrictions regarding movement in the church during services. People “at risk” were not notified. The victim and victim’s family however were usually confronted with opposition from leadership by minimizing and/or invalidating particular aspects of the victim’s story.
In 1998, we discover our child; (child-A) had been molested by a young man attending the Fairfax church. We did not press charges and regretted this later on. The father of the young man was initially uncooperative in dealing with the situation until Steve Shank stepped in to handle it. This took place during the time frame Benny Phillips was stepping down from leadership. Steve Shank addressed our sin and asked the young man to apologize.
We forgave him; however, with minor restrictions imposed by the staff, he continued to intimidate our child during Sunday services to the point where our child was fearful of going to church. The pastors involved had little to say concerning this as it didn’t appear to be a priority for them.
In October 2007, we discover child-B had been molested. The molestation occurred 5 years earlier. Our child revealed to us what had happened only after being hospitalized 7 days for cutting and suicidal thoughts. We eventually found out through our child’s counseling sessions, fear and shame were the two main elements for not telling us about this sooner. Cutting was our child’s way of dealing with misguided guilt and self-loathing.
We then contacted the Police Department and pressed charges. The detective assigned to the case came to the house and listened to our child’s story. The young man confessed the crime to pastor SW (CJ’s son-in-law). We were given the impression that pastor DH had also heard the confession. Two and a half years later in March 2010, we were told he did not hear the confession. Pastor LG (our brother-in-law) was also in the loop as we had asked him to supply information requested by the detective but no information was given. Pastor LG said to me, “Have them send the request to us in writing.” The detective told us later on that Fairfax had been “uncooperative” in the investigation…. a fact they later denied.
During the investigation, pastor DH told us they “had a dilemma” because they were caring for the young man and his family. There was no visible concern shown during this time for our child by the staff including our brother-in-law and his family. No inquiring phone calls or emails. Our child had just been discharged from the hospital. When you leave a SGM church for disagreeing with or challenging leadership in any way, all relationships you once had there are severed.
Sometime during the following months, my wife noticed her sister, (wife of pastor LG) not speaking about anything associated with our child’s legal case. She would consistently change the subject when our child was mentioned. This led to a meeting we initiated with pastor LG in January 2008. As no other logical explanation for the silence could be seen, we asked him 3 times if he had advised his wife not to discuss with her sister our child’s case. 3 times he answered no. We were told in a future meeting by pastor VH that pastor LG was in fact legally instructed to inform his wife not to discuss the case with her sister for 2 days so that the police could complete their investigation. When this was brought up to the leadership, our questions were ignored. Pastor LG lied to us and was not held accountable.
As a result of our own research we became aware of the fact that pastor LG’s wife was not covered under Virginia’s clergy privilege statute. According to the legal process, she could have been liable for any information she had regarding the case, and therefore could have been called to testify in court on our child’s behalf. Pastor LG (our child’s uncle) put great effort into avoiding this possibility. The truth is that this scenario presented a conflict of interest to pastor LG and members of the Fairfax staff as they were caring for the young man and his family as pastor DH had mentioned. Exactly why this presented a conflict is a mystery.
The trial took place in March 2008. Prior to the trial, not knowing how the young man would plead, we asked pastor DH to come with pastor SW ready to give testimony on our child’s behalf if needed. Pastor DH made it known to us they were not coming to the courthouse. I explained to him if the young man pleaded not guilty, our child would then have to get up in front of the court and reveal the entire ordeal along with answering questions from the attorney’s. It didn’t matter, they still weren’t coming. His response to us was “I have my churches reputation to consider.” Not sure what pastor DH meant by this statement. In a future meeting with the Fairfax pastors, he claimed not remembering making the “churches reputation” statement and had no recollection of emphasizing the fact that he wasn’t coming to the courthouse. I called the detective and asked her to issue a subpoena for both pastors to appear in court. Fairfax would later claim there was no need for us to request a subpoena because one had been issued months before. It wouldn’t have made any difference if we knew this information or not. Pastor DH expressed to us they weren’t coming. They also stated in a future meeting they knew the young man would plead guilty therefore coming to the courthouse wasn’t necessary. In reality, there was no way of knowing how he would plead. Nevertheless, it was put back on us.
Pastor’s DH and SW were at the courthouse for the trial. Pastor LG came a few minutes before the trial and left. His wife did not come. She also didn’t make any attempts to call her sister during the days leading up to the trial. My wife was abandoned by her family. The young man pleaded guilty to a felony.…. Our child did not have to get up and speak to the court.
A short time after the trial, my wife attempted to communicate to her sister the hurt, frustration and lack of care she experienced from her sister and family and it was put back on my wife.
What followed during the next 2 years included a series of meetings, phone calls and emails involving Fairfax and Covenant Life leadership, 2 mediators, and an SGM pastor from South Carolina.
In December 2008, our child; (child-A) now 18 at the time, was greatly affected by Noel’s story after reading it on the blogs. Our adult child contacted CJ Mahaney and asked him what SGM had to say about this. Not sure what the response was however, our adult child also described to CJ what our family had endured from the Fairfax staff and as a result a meeting was arranged. We met with CJ and he listened to our story. He was grieved by our experience and asked permission to contact the Fairfax staff. We asked him if he had any knowledge of our story. He said he did not. Over the next few weeks we received emails from him, thanking us for the opportunity to talk to us. He assured us that the Fairfax staff desired to meet and discuss these important issues with us.
In February 2009, the first meeting was set up at our church with 5 pastors from the Fairfax church, CJ, and a neutral third party attending on our behalf. Two days before the meeting pastor LG appears at our door wanting to apologize to our child. We had not seen nor heard from him or his family for 11 months. We asked him what specifically he wanted to apologize for and couldn’t get a straight answer. He wouldn’t answer our questions. Given the state of emotional torment of our child and to block any further confusion, we decided it would not have been in our child’s best interest and said no.
During the meeting, the pastors apologized for not caring for us and poor leadership but avoided our questions. We left the meeting confused and with a new list of questions. A few days later we discover CJ had given our neutral third party a check for 5,000.00……
A short time after, CJ urged us to begin meeting with pastor MM to iron out our difficulties with pastor LG and his family.
It is important to mention here, although we agreed to meet with pastor MM, we were well aware of Fairfax’s intentions to separate the mishandled sex abuse issue from the personal concerns we had with Pastor LG. The opportunity to minimize the situation to a “family disagreement” had presented itself. They could now step away from the spotlight of “sex abuse issues in the Fairfax church and the way leadership typically responds,” and let the light shine elsewhere.
A number of unresolved issues with pastor LG going back many years still remain. Some of which are extremely painful for my wife and me. However, in March 2009, we began meeting with pastor MM with hopes of seeing some accountability leading to possible reconciliation with pastor LG. We presented pastor MM with a list of questions for pastor LG. After 4 months of meetings and numerous emails, none of our questions were answered. However, one hard question was answered; my wife asked pastor MM why they do not warn people at risk when a known sex felon is in their church. His response was, “that perpetrator could grow up and sue us for defamation of character.” So in pastor MM’s mind, the possibility of being sued sometime in the future takes precedence over protecting children from known sex offenders. At the final meeting pastor MM said to us, “I find pastor LG to be a man of integrity.” And then he dismissed us. (Simple logic would say, if pastor LG is a man of integrity, we must be liars) We were stunned….Fairfax had once again put the issue back on us.
In a future meeting with the pastors, pastor MM apologized for not answering our questions concerning pastor LG ….but still didn’t answer them.
We contacted CJ and expressed our dissatisfaction with the meetings and final conclusion. He suggested Peacemakers. We declined. He then offered to have SGM pastor JB from South Carolina step into the arena. Our options were diminishing but we were not going to walk away from this. For the next 8 months we spoke to pastor JB on the phone at least twice a month. Our conversations focused on the “family disagreement,” and Fairfax’s response to sex abuse. We had many questions regarding both topics. Questions that had already been asked a number of times and not answered. During our many conversations with Pastor JB, he assured us that Fairfax would now be handling sex abuse related issues differently. After 8 months our questions for pastor LG and a few hard questions for Fairfax were still not answered.
In March 2010, a second meeting with Fairfax leadership had taken place. Kenneth Maresco, Pastor JB, and Jim P., moderator for the SGM Refuge blog were also present. We requested that pastor LG attend as well, but he declined. When questioned about this beforehand, pastor LG said, “I do not think my presence in the meeting would be helpful.” And Fairfax backed him up on this. The meeting was arranged in part as a follow-up from our time on the phone with pastor JB. Some of our questions were answered however, a few of pastor JB’s answers had suggested that everything was just a big misunderstanding; that somehow we misinterpreted or perhaps judged motives incorrectly regarding both pastor LG and the Fairfax staff. Also in this meeting pastor DH forgets important information and pastor VH reveals that pastor LG was in fact legally advised by their attorney’s back in October 2007. But in the January 2008 meeting as mentioned above, pastor LG told us 3 times he did not tell his wife not to discuss our child’s case with her sister. And Fairfax was ok with this.
In the same meeting the pastor’s would not let us ask any questions related to pastor LG. It appeared they did not want to deal with the fact that he had lied to us. However, they did want to apologize a second time for not caring for us and poor leadership. We accepted their apologies but there were still unanswered questions.
An obvious pattern can be seen throughout the story; the pastors were eager to apologize for not caring for us and poor leadership expecting us to forgive, but they would not answer our hard questions. And for some reason they were protecting pastor LG from having to account for the issues we presented. Our forgiveness was premature.
In May 2010, we accused pastor LG of lying, specifically but not limited to the January 2008 meeting we had with him, and 2 consecutive apology letters he had written that were filled with deceptive statements. This led to an “accusation against an elder.” Fairfax’s solution to this was to hire an outside third party mediator to settle things. A professional conciliatory Christian mediator. He was thoroughly impressed with the fact that CJ Mahaney was involved with this. We reluctantly agreed to do this and had regrets later on. I challenged Fairfax to show us where in the bible do we find that an accusation against an elder is brought to an outside mediator who gets paid for his services? They ignored the question. They were steadfast in maintaining that the struggles we had with the church and pastor LG stay separate and confined to a “family disagreement.” The reality is Fairfax had relinquished their responsibility in dealing with an accusation against an elder so they could walk away from the entire situation. Maybe they were afraid of uncovering pastor LG’s pattern of deception. We had 2 sessions totaling 9 hours in which pastor LG persisted in avoiding our questions and claimed not remembering key facts. The mediator’s summation at the end was that pastor LG had not been deceptive and that we were “sinfully craving answers” according to James chapter 4. We were put in the same category as murderer’s and idolaters!
How did we end up here?
We started out down this road as parents of 2 children who were molested and ended up being thrown into the ring with murderer’s and idolaters!
Only SGM could orchestrate something like this…
Fairfax was indifferent to the fact that we disagreed with the mediator’s conclusions.
In June 2010, we had our 3rd and final meeting with Fairfax, initiated by Kenneth Maresco and pastor JB as a follow-up to the March 2010 meeting. Kenneth Maresco was not happy with the pastor’s apologies in the March meeting. Apparently they needed to be a little more sincere. They were given the opportunity to apologize once again for the same things they had previously apologized for, not caring for us and poor leadership but this time, the apologies were more detailed.
A short time after the meeting, our final interaction with SGM was at hand. As a last ditch attempt to at least work out our family difficulties, I asked pastor LG if he would agree to meet with us and another SG pastor. He said, “that aint happening.” And Fairfax backed him up on this. We wanted a person he worked with to witness his response to our questions. We asked CJ, Kenneth Maresco, and pastor VH to intervene and be the witness and they all declined.
Pastor LG’s evasive behavior supported by a shield of protection from Fairfax is a symptom of a much deeper problem in their governmental structure…
The Fairfax church has a history of treating victims of sex abuse and their families in similar ways mentioned in our story. We know 2 other cases and have talked with someone who mentioned knowing 5… all involving the Fairfax church. Noel and Grizzly were told by pastor MM their story had inconsistencies… “Inconsistency” is an SGM euphemism for lying. What pastor MM really meant to say was Noel and Grizzly were lying.
In the minds of SGM leadership they hear from God and tell us what God is saying. If what ordinary people discern fails to line up with their program, they are dismissed. This way of thinking allows them to continuously reinforce their spiritual agenda on a congregation conditioned to think they are being truly humble by accepting this. Where in the New Testament do we find this type of church government?
***
“Who can endure a doctrine which would allow only dentists to say whether our teeth were aching, only cobblers to say whether our shoes hurt us, and only governments to tell us whether we were being well governed?” C.S. Lewis
Summary:
The faith and well-being of child-B had been severely affected by the molestation and 3 year ordeal with SGM. Our child’s professional counselors have documented the adverse affects of family abandonment and how this contributes to thoughts of guilt and shame in a young child’s mind. Our child’s perception of a loving God had been distorted.
My wife feels the pain of family abandonment plus the abandonment of a church she was a part of for 12 years.
Child-A is grown up and doing very well.
For some reason Fairfax had chosen not to deal directly and not dig deeper into the claims we made concerning pastor LG. He was not held accountable for lying to us. Fairfax hired a mediator who ultimately made the decision as to who was lying and who was telling the truth.
A few of the pastors expressed genuine sorrow for the way our child and my wife and I were treated. Their apologies are nullified because in the end we were the one’s “sinfully craving answers” – murderers and idolater’s according to the paid mediator’s assessment. We assumed Fairfax was in agreement with this.
Fairfax would say our questions for pastor LG were answered. Here’s the problem; we weren’t there to hear his answers…. They were now finally able to close the door and move on to more important things.
The Fairfax staff told us they have made significant changes in the way they now handle sex abuse issues in their church. Assuming this is true, we applaud their efforts.
The question is how will Fairfax handle their past failures? Will they publicly confess their past sin before our family and the other families who have been hurt by their failure to lead, care, and protect, or will they remain silent and hope no one else comes forward. Will any restitution be made to the families involved?
In light of the damage done, has anyone involved disqualified themselves from professional ministry?
The clergy privilege statute exempts church leadership in Virginia from having to divulge any information to the authorities regarding sex crimes committed by church members. We had contacted a Virginia state senator who had been in the process of pursuing legislation to change this law.
The actions of Fairfax leadership in handling prior sex abuse issues in their church are good examples why this law needs to be changed. The senator from Virginia heard our story and agreed.
69 Responses to “City of Refuge: Wallace’s Story”
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What a tragic story! My heart goes out to this poor family, and my prayers are with them.
Ironically though, for those of us who follow the regular story lines here at PP. I can’t help but think that Believe, in his situation, would have been thrilled to have one tenth this much due process.
it looks like our churches who model themselves after good business practices are not a safe place for souls – good business stays arm’s length from anything that threatens the welfare of the business, doesn’t it? And beware the corporate shield that even God can’t penetrate. . . . They think
an old lady’s advice is report their crime if they’ve broken a law of the land – report it early (yes, first to the pastor – tell him you’re going to do so) and then leave – they are the ones charged with reconciling, not you
tell them where to find you, if they have that change of heart, but go and don’t look back
Un-believe-able. (I would have included an adjective, but you get the drift.)
And this is one reason why I would never consider or recommend anyone attending a SGM church. they have the same potential for abuses that a bad CC does.
“Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.”
Just one more example of why evangelicalism is an empty, hollow religious expression.
From my years of observing how churches respond to abuse I have learned that if it ever happens to one of my children I will not contact the church at all but get a lawyer and go to the authorities right away and handle it all through legal means. If there is any sort of lawbreaking in the church the only way to deal with it is outside the church through legal means. Do not give the church any heads up. Do not give the church any benefit of the doubt. Do not give the church anything. Make sure your own bases are covered and that you and your own family are taken care of.
J2 –
Except for throwing the baby out with the bathwater of your first sentence, I agree with what you wrote.
First, this is horrifying. I don’t know what to say except that it takes a level of patience that I do not possess to endure that much for that long.
Second, I read something here that alarms me. Well, something unusual anyway, something I had not seen before, but was unable to articulate until now. So I am going to ask.
Is it viewed as common practice (by people of PP who have experienced these things) to be the case that a pastor will contend that problems brought to a pastor are of a personal nature, thus relegating the issue to a simple Matthew 18 deal rather than a accusation brought against an elder?
I ask, because it seems to be the case that the first defense is to peg all issues as personal in nature, thus discrediting a complaint against the “office of pastor” or elder. The defense mantra from that point forward becomes, “their issue is personal, and needs to be dealt with personally” and never tends to make it past that point so far as the church government is concerned.
I wonder where that loophole originated? I read it here, and it really boils my blood.
Reuben,
You may be right in your assesment. It may be that a pastor would have little stomach for an issue that can be construed as personal.
The other though I had was that a pastor/leader may have a vested interest in a particular elder with whom there are accusations against. Perhaps the pastor picked or recommended this person, and the accusser is thereby (indirectly) accusing the pastor of the fault? At least the pastor may be taking it that way?
Reuben,
It’s common sophistry meant to deflect responsibility and make it as difficult as possible for someone to be heard.
Since i’ve given my opinion on what a pew sitter should do when abused by a church fellowship or leadership (state your case and leave) I’ve been giving some thought to what responsibility the “other” pastors have to right a wrong in a church fellowship that is not their own . . . it seems fairly clear to me on this sunny, cold April afternoon that a pastor’s responsibilities are relational . . .
Job one is to denounce clearly from their pulpit to their own congregation any abuses in other congregations that they become aware of and to do so in context: “I have heard it rumored…” would call for a different rebuke than “I have been made aware of (a provable abuse)…” After that clear obligation has been met (one hopes with discretion and wisdom), do they have a responsibility to go and do something about “it?.”
I now think what the pastors here have been trying to tell us is spot on. I have come to the conclusion that I must disagree that confrontation is every pastor’s obligation before God. The pastors’ obligations are to stand, to preach, to model for their flock and the watching world.
Correct me if I am wrong, but didn’t Paul leave it up to the churches to clean their own houses? If there was an established relationship with a particular person in leadership, then Paul was all over them. If an individual pastor or an “official” finds himself relationally in a clear position to confront a particular wrong, then, yes, it is a sin, if he doesn’t do so. But it isn’t the call of every individual pastor to go and confront. Pastor, speak out clearly, but with wisdom to your flock, but any action beyond that is relational . . . IMV
Reuben,”First, this is horrifying. I don’t know what to say except that it takes a level of patience that I do not possess to endure that much for that long.”
patience? maybe, but this story demonstrates misplaced sense of obligation and dangerous naivete – steadfast and holy is not a synonym for patient and stupid
Em,
I think you make a valid point.
The issue is also whether a denomination has a structure for leadership over the whole group and an ability and desire to take proper actions on behalf of that group.
In CC there is no such structure…in SGM there is a structure with no evident desire to implement it righteously.
The result in both cases is the same.
“The issue is also whether a denomination has a structure for leadership over the whole group and an ability and desire to take proper actions on behalf of that group.”
tough situation to find oneself in after coming along in the Faith and the Family within CC programs
Em –
Thank you so much for understanding and communicating so well what many here have attempted to communicate and failed. Affiliation does not equal relationship. I can only influence those in my circle of relationship.
As far as the structure, I actually think CC has a good ground work for a structure, it just needs a few tweaks, and then most importantly it needs to be used.
- tweak #1 – I would like to see a common set of language in CC by-laws that cover accusations against church leadership; a step by step procedure that would bring in an outside party (such as peacemakers) to mediate if an impasse was reached locally. We have that, and I think every church should.
As far as going through legal channels, I would say this as a warning to all pastors: when someone comes to you with allegations of sexual or physical abuse you need to immediately report it – regardless of who the accusation is against.
Michael @8, that is my suspicion.
Shaun! Ahoy friend!
Em @10, I follow you, and wondered myself while reading. I guess I don’t know how to sympathetically relay that expression safely. I apologize if the author reads this and senses my sympathy was a jab at irresponsibility.
Thank you for sharing your story Wallace. So heartbreaking. I applaud the courage that you and your wife were able to have in order to keep asking the questions, looking for justice and remedy. The diffuculties you went through are an example why many do not press charges or try to address it in their church. They are already undone by the abuse itself and cannot find the strength to press the matter any farther.
Tthe same dynamics are played out in society. A wealthy, respected member of society who sexually abuses a child, unless it is to the point of grave injury or death, is often able to avoid justice by throwing money at lawyers, prolonging the agony or throwing money to the family. Poor folks and people of color can go to prison on just an allegation. It all sucks wind.
It is still deeply enbedded in our culture that what happens in families, especially physical abuse -no matter how brutal – and even sexual abuse are “family issues”, not actual crimes against human beings.
Although we expect pastors, our spiritual leaders, to be above that, the truth is they are still greatly influenced by whatever the culture was that they were brought up in. My hope is that the younger pastors that are being raised up in all denominational lines will bring fresh eyes and new compassion to these issues.
From the postings here and on other threads, I have confidence that hope is well founded.
For past and current victims, Lord have mercy and bring remedy and healing, despite man’s wisdom.
Reuben, i’m learning here that we examine things from many angles, but very seldom does anyone have the intention of making another feel bad
i don’t see that poor family as irresponsible, but we sure need a clearer picture of who our obligations are – us pew sitters especially
“As far as the structure, I actually think CC has a good ground work for a structure, it just needs a few tweaks, and then most importantly it needs to be used.”
Shaun…I laughed out loud at that.
What structure are you talking about…because I didn’t know there was one.
Michael –
I believe the proper working of church discipline should be the local church (even when it involves a pastor). When that doesn’t work, then an appeal can be made outside the local church (which seems to be the case in 1 & 2 Corinthians). That is the way CC has it set up, but the problem is that CCOF is not organized to handle such things. It has been said the only power they have is to remove the name, but I think that is a great power that should be used. Obviously in the cases we know of it has not been used. But the process is present.
Shaun,
CCOF doesn’t want to do any enforcement because that makes them civilly liable for damages through the connection.
What we see from this article is that any system depends on the integrity of those in it…and that is getting harder and harder to find.
@ #20 – I believe that to be true, or more accurately Calvary Costa Mesa. The reality is that no one would sue CCOF because they have no assets, but I am sure Calvary Costa Mesa has a real concern since they technically launched a thousand church plants.
@ #21 – also true.
But, I have said too much as it is. I told myself I was only going to comment on the Bible study discussions because I am not sure I have much valuable input into this other stuff.
Oh, yeah, one more thing –
Hey Reuben! You back in my neck of the woods yet?
Shaun Sells says:
April 12, 2011 at 2:16 PM
“I would like to see a common set of language in CC by-laws that cover accusations against church leadership; a step by step procedure that would bring in an outside party (such as peacemakers) to mediate if an impasse was reached locally. We have that, and I think every church should.”
I’ve been through Peacemakers training. I highly recommend it for anyone, any church, to simply watch the DVD’s of the introductory class. That, alone, can greatly influence the culture of one’s church to have the attitude of a peacemaker. It’s practical. I’d consider it mandatory for all leaders, and the revolving door will stop.
Sadly, our local CC will not consider their ministry; but then, they already admitted they were guilty and that they were choosing not to deal with the habitual sin issue of a leader. Peacemakers would only make that more clear and require a biblical response.
Shaun: CCCM settles out of court if served w/ a lawsuit. It is cheaper in the long run and avoids publicity. That was one of the strange things, among many, about the radio station hoopla. Any court battle, let alone a prolonged one was definitely out of the norm.
CCCM by keeping you all as affliates protects themselves from financial culpability of their campus. There is no benefit for them to have a formal leadership model that could address crimes committed by pastors outside their immediate flock. As Wallace mentioned in his article, if they agree there was abuse or a crime, do something about it, it opens the door to them being sued. If they accept a responsibility to discipline, they accept an obligation of prevention.
@23, not yet, but we are working on it. A move across the country is stupid expensive. Gotta save them pennies. We are determined to hide out in the back row, and leave before anyone notices we were there some day. We watched you live two Sundays ago. (online) I was trying to text alert you to the fact that the audio feed to the live stream service was way way way low.
Back to the program.
@21, “What we see from this article is that any system depends on the integrity of those in it…and that is getting harder and harder to find.”
BINGO.
Anne says:
April 12, 2011 at 3:27 PM
“CCCM by keeping you all as affliates protects themselves from financial culpability of their campus. There is no benefit for them to have a formal leadership model that could address crimes committed by pastors outside their immediate flock. As Wallace mentioned in his article, if they agree there was abuse or a crime, do something about it, it opens the door to them being sued. If they accept a responsibility to discipline, they accept an obligation of prevention.”
This is sobering. So in black and white terms, this means that there will NEVER EVER be any discipline exacted in any Calvary Chapels? That’s incredibly dangerous! Then that leads the CC pastors I’ve heard referred to as “good guys” with what options?
This seems like a call for serious public warnings about Calvary Chapel. It would hurt “good guys” but people should be warned of the power of unnaccountable pastors. Seems if the CC churches are so independent then they should be able to distinguish themselves with something that indicates they have accountability built into their by-laws/church structure. Then maybe they could put something in Dove’s beak to show they are differentiating themselves.
Anne nailed it…well said.
Chile, I would contend that this is something that people should look into when they plan to stay at a church, CC or not. I know that I will NEVER AGAIN dedicate my time and efforts to a church without CLEARLY understanding the structure of accountability in place. Even then, it is hard to gauge, because you have to know that the board and elders are not “yes men” to the bidding of the pastor. Leadership who are capable of weighing things in light of scripture. Leadership who have a pastors heart, whether they are at the pulpit or not.
A pastor once said to me of another elder, “He is going to be the hard one to convince.” A light should have gone off in my head at that moment. Sadly, it did not.
“Then maybe they could put something in Dove’s beak to show they are differentiating themselves.”
That’s funny, maybe the dove could hold a scale or something.
Even with all checks in place, as Michael said @21 remains a dreadful reality.
“patience? maybe, but this story demonstrates misplaced sense of obligation and dangerous naivete – steadfast and holy is not a synonym for patient and stupid”
Em,
Not sure if “patient and stupid” was directed at Wallace & I.
Please understand that we are aware of a number of child abuse cases in our former church (Fairfax) that were handled in a similar way. To walk away from that, knowing what we did would be far more dangerous than trying to shed light on this evil. Children do not stand up for themselves.
How was this story verified if that is OK to ask?
happymom,
If I may, I beg to question one thing again.
Was it the case in your mind that the allegations were treated as personal issues, and attempted to be resolved as personal issues in order to steer the allegations away from the church?
I ask, because I view this to be a failure of the whole church government structure, and not a failure of an individual whom you needed to pursue a Matthew 18 type reconciliation with.
I hope I make sense. It is my personal impression that the tactic of placing the blame on “personal issues” was the loophole for the church government as a whole.
BD,
The person that brought this to me is someone who I have have full confidence in both in his integrity and the standards held for such stories.
He was involved in the process and can be trusted to report it accurately.
Happymom, (good handle
) no, i wasn’t addressing you folks in particular, but then, yes, i was, wasn’t i? because you folks did what we all think we’re supposed to do, i.e, as Christians we must work to resolve issues in the family, be forgiving, turn the other cheek – you’ve been through the list, or been subjected to it, as much as i have – but i am saying that has been bad counsel – when a crime is committed that harms another as seriously as your children and others we’ve seen here were harmed then it is time to call in the authorities – not with malice, but to stop the perpetrators
Happy, for clarity’s sake, i was not belittling in any way what you have gone through or the stand you are now taking – praying with
Em,
I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear but we did call the police the day after we discovered the crime with child B. Thank you for your prayers!
It’s stories like these that lead me to avoid SGM books, teaching, authors, pastors, and the like (I do follow a few SGM bloggers).
I once accepted Mahaney and Harris at face value, on the second-hand recommendation of pastors and bloggers on the Reformed scene. Then I saw the SGM Refuge and SGM Survivors blogs, and read the stories, and gradually I cut the SGM guys off from my influences.
Disturbing to me is the influence SGM has across the Reformed church – from Acts29 to IX Marks, from the Reformed ‘big guys’ to church planters struggling to get their ministries going. SGM’s influence extends into my own church, I think the same way it extends into other non-SGM Reformed churches.
In my more paranoid moments, I have thoughts about the Mars Hill guys getting together with the SGM guys to figure out how they’re going to use the sheep and, if they get out of line, how to deal with them.
Church should be family, a place to come broken, to grow, to heal, to get to the place where one learns how to live for Jesus and serve him and others. Not some corporate mentality where you are judged by how much $$$ you give and how much you serve and how much quality work you can do without charge. Not a place where people feel uncomfortable because the leaders won’t do something about that certain person stalking you, and where you or your loved ones are abused and you know no one will do anything because you’re not one of the influencers, or big givers, or it would harm someone the leadership loves.
Rant over.
Paps, I wouldn’t recommend (or go to) an SGM church either, for the same reasons you mentioned (though because of the various good pastors here, I’d be a little more lenient regarding CC).
Well said, Brian D. Especially the last paragraph.
This is utterly, utterly wretched.
The question I have is, what are we going to do about it if CJ and SGM doesn’t repent as you challenge in the onset? What are our options?
Is this another example of a battle that will be lost because us serfs don’t have any clout with the powers that be?
Finally, what does this family need? Child-A may be thriving (considering) but there’s obviously scars. What can we– even I, myself– do to help?
BrianD’s 39 needs to be emblazoned in the concrete walls of every church on earth with diamond-drills…
“Church should be family, a place to come broken, to grow, to heal, to get to the place where one learns how to live for Jesus and serve him and others. Not some corporate mentality where you are judged by how much $$$ you give and how much you serve and how much quality work you can do without charge. Not a place where people feel uncomfortable because the leaders won’t do something about that certain person stalking you, and where you or your loved ones are abused and you know no one will do anything because you’re not one of the influencers, or big givers, or it would harm someone the leadership loves.”
I wish I could find a place like that.
Anne, I have thought for some time that may be some of the unspoken reasons pagans don’t ‘try’ church. And why Calvinism is more true than Arminianism; given the worst stories we’ve heard about here alone, who in their right mind would choose to be a part of church and take a chance on falling into some screwed-up mess?
Ryan, it’s a statement from a broken, sinful man whose only hope is Jesus. I would think there are other, more godly men who can speak to these issues without their screwed-up sinfulness getting in the way….
I really don’t know what to say after reading this family’s story. I seem to remember reading a story quite similar here a number of years ago??
Sexual abuse of two children and one of those children hospitalized from cutting. How in the world a church wouldn’t drop everything to make that right escapes me.
I just ran an article about a veteran who suffered with PTSD after two middle east deployments. He was active and an advocate for veterans and seemingly doing quite well. He recently committed suicide.
I hope and pray these two boys can experience a genuine touch from God to heal what resulted from the horrific experiences they endured. There are times when those who seem to be doing well really aren’t.
This is wrong on so many levels.
Wallace,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your courage & strength to do so is greatly appreciated & I believe very important in hopes that it will encourage those who can bring about the much needed change to help prevent horribly sad stories like yours from being repeated. You & your family are in my prayers.
E,
“How in the world a church wouldn’t drop everything to make that right escapes me.”
Well said … I totally agree. It’s unthinkable & totally heartbreaking.
BrianD,
Your # 39 … you can rant away anytime … well said!
A few years ago I would have, naively, been shocked to hear about a pastor lying. But then I suffered my own wounds from a pastor who compromised, caused others to stumble and fall into sin, and then lie. I could not believe how much power this man had, and how many people looked up to him. But he lied on occasion to make himself appear as though he had done the right thing. And then I discovered that he lied to the entire congregation, in the church, during a service, to cover up a scandal. I knew at that point that a lot of it had to do with money, because attendance always suffers greatly when there is a scandal. (I knew the person involved in the scandal, and had other sources verifying the facts, but it was kept quite hush hush by this pastor, the elders, and even the church board). But how can a man call himself a child of God and stand in the house of God in front of an entire congregation and lie to them? I always would think of Ananias and Sapphira and how they were stricken dead for lying. How could someone do such a thing knowing how God feels about it? After the pastor lied in front of the whole church, I found myself wondering if he was really saved, or whether he was an impostor of the faith. It seems so outrageous to me that someone in such a position could serve as a pastor and then be so deceitful.
So now, because of my own experience, what this poor family endured doesn’t surprise me. It is truly appalling and just goes to show how much evil exists in the church.
It is really hard to move on, but after two years the memory I have is fading, and I hope and pray that time will give Wallace and his family the healing they deserve. I know that our Savior, Jesus, knows their pain, and I know that He is reaching out His loving arms to comfort them.
#44 Your on to something there Brian D. Not only pagans. But x christians. Not a few who experienced abuse or knew of a close friend or family member who did and witnessed first hand these kinds of scenarios. Men may try to avoid bad publicity, but just as word of mouth can build a business or church, it can also tear it down. That is why even if the perps do not get their just due now, it is important for the stories to be told.
One, so others will not think they are the only ones.
Two, so folks will be forewarned before getting involved in a religious community without good checks and balances.
Just as the hippie generation, with its focus on a personal relationship with God, independent of the mainline church establishment, made an impact for a generation, I believe getting back to the personal – The I know, I touch, I see the one in whom I believe, will be the focus on any future spiritual awakenings.
If we walk with and in the Truth we know, that we know, that we know, the trappings of the modern church, its programs and superstar leaders will have less influence on us and on those we try to introduce to the Lover of our souls. We will have no need for any man to teach us ( or condemn us or abuse our hunger for community) but will walk with fellow travelers in the light, as He is in the Light, because the Light of the world has entered our hearts.
I John is a good place to see how this can really play out – here and now.
That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.
Wallace and Happy Mom,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am heartbroken and disgusted, yet hopeful because I know that God is good. I pray that the healing continues for your family.
I’m and saddened and disgusted at these events. My heart is broken for HappyMom and Wallace. Your family is in my prayers. SGM has a lot to answer for, from almost all of their churches.
I am confused by one point in the story. You had met with a neutral party, and a few days later, CJ offered this neutral party a check for $5000? Why did he do this? What was he trying to accomplish? Can anyone explain this part to me? Money cannot fix the pain.
i suspect that the check was a payment for services – there are people who make their living serving as the neutral 3rd party in arbitration – they probably get paid whether or not they’re successful
No one knows exactly why CJ wrote them a check. (except for CJ, of course)
This couple did not go into this expecting to be paid at all. They are friends of ours who were caring for us through this ordeal.
Reuben @34,
In response to your question; we were dealing with 2 seperate issues invariably linkled to eachother. The family issue, and the way Fairfax handled our sex abuse case. Fairfax attempted and succeeded from their perspective, in confining the entire issue to a family disagreement. The light had been shifted away from all things relating to sex abuse and the way it was typically handled in their church…..and was ultimately put back on us.
Pastor LG (our brother-in-law) was not held accountable for lying to us. He was protected by Fairfax leadership from having to answer our questions.
Had pastor LG answered our questions with a witness present (we requested this) it would have been evident that he had lied to us….the focus would have then shifted back to the leadership’s response to sex abuse, and also would have shed light on the fact that they had protected pastor LG for some reason.
The Fairfax leadership did want the church to know there were or had been known sex offenders in the congregation.
Meant to say on #55
“The Fairfax leadership did NOT want the church to know there were or had been known sex offenders in the congregation.”
Great clarification, Wallace. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. It is important that it be told and understood. Blessings to you and your family.
Wallace, you have done the right thing in holding your ground and demanding accountability – the (church) family betrayed you from the beginning – it is difficult to be certain when to say that something is no longer a (church) family matter – in this instance it involved your extended natural family as well . . . i might go the second mile if one person slandered my name, stole from me or the collection plate etc. But the crimes that Michael exposes here . . . against our persons that our leadership today expects us to endure as part of our devotion to Christ all the while they are quietly hiding behind their fall-back legal counsel is an abomination to the Cross, to our Faith and to our Savior’s grace and mercy.
i fully believe that many in leadership are innocent of intent, but are incompetent, ambitious or misguided in their calling – i pray for those ones too . . . Lord, convict them to confession and withdrawal from these tainted or, perhaps even evil endeavors
Wallace(Dad) and Happymom(actual Mom…who is happy:).
You two are the most courageous individuals I know.
Everyone else,
Thank you so much for your prayers and support. What a ministry it is when people coming alongside one another and stand in agreement against injustice.
A, I agree, your parents are couragous. And love you very much. You are so welcome to our prayers. Thank you and your folks for the privilege of knowing your story.
like some others here, the check thing bothers me . . . was it a misunderstanding of what their role was to be? did they return the check or ask why? . . . did it satisfy some legality? i am amazed at instances i see of Christians surreptitiously taking legal counsel against a fellow Christian and feeling quite righteous in doing so in order to gain or protect their stuff – can a church justify harming a fellow Christian to protect the assets of the church? would Christ?
Michael this is for you:
“It is never enough to have pity on the victims of injustice if we do nothing to change the unjust situation itself.” The Cross of Christ – John R. Stott
i am going through my husband’s collection of saved material; i found some quotations by Stott and this one made me think of the roots of the PhxP
Wallace family this one is for you
“The incentive to peacemaking is love, but it degenerates into appeasement whenever justice is ignored. . . . . .” same source
Wallace, thanks for taking the time to answer. It would seem that my suspicion was true. I fear that this practice is becoming, or has become the norm. Biblically, there is little ground to stand on if the church government simply classifies issues being personal or family, and directs the violated parties to a Matthew 18 process, releasing the entity of church government from the liability almost entirely.
HappyMom,
Thanks for taking the time to respond to questions commenters have regarding your experience at the Fairfax church. As you know, we have posted Wallace’s testimony on our blog, The Wartburg Watch.
I have read through it several times now and have a few questions about your friends who received the $5,000 check from CJ.
First of all, did you approach them and ask them to get involved or did they come to you and offer to help in this matter?
Secondly, how did you discover that they received the $5,000 check from CJ?
Thirdly, what do you mean by “neutral third party”?
Could you answer thebfollowing questions about the$5000?
Nobody hands someone a check for that much money on a whim. Could this have been an agreed on sum if a certain outcome was achieved?
Were they your friends or friends of the church?
Were they one of those group leaders whose job it is to report to the pastors?
Is there any possibility they were assigned to you in order to prevent a lawsuit?
Did you know that writing such a check could be construed, however wrongly, to thwart justice?
Was it written on CJs private account or the church account?
HappyMom,
One more question… Do you know whether this couple reported the $5,000 on their tax return as income?
If you would prefer to respond to our questions “privately”, feel free to use the contact e-mail address over at TWW. We look forward to hearing from you.
Came out of hiding for this story.
Terrible.
Two words: Kelly Clark.
http://www.kellyclarkattorney.com/child-sexual-abuse-lawyer/
I’d be happy to put anyone from that Church’s situation in touch with him personally. He might be able to help in some aspect. Dunno, but couldn’t hurt.
agrenier7 at gmail dot com
In SoCal, Gloria Aldred, has successful cases under her belt when it comes to these types of cases in religious institutions, including independent fundy types. You may not agree with her politcs or her personality, but she is considered one of the best in the nation.
ww.gloriaallred.com/